Thursday, April 30

> Toughen up Ladies!

It is very heartwarming when i receive text messages or msn messages from friends i havent heard for a long time, telling me how much they love reading my posts because they could relate to them and somehow start thinking about themselves or find an answer to their doubts. And its really nice when they say my posts make so much sense all the time. Thank you!

I am not a writer, i cannot write for nuts. My language sucks, my grammer stinks, my spelling is atrocious and my vocab is limited. I write how i feel, because im a thinker (tsk taurians) and i usually think i dont make sense but knowing that people could have so much feelings towards my posts, made me realised that life really aint that bad after all, cos im not alone.

Last Saturday, Zm, Lina and I had dins at Popeyes. Yes its me - i admit, ive never eaten at Popeyes and im totally in love with their fries. It like..dope.

T3 was so packed and the queue was so long, but we managed to get a seat in just 5 mins of standing beside a very potential table. I kind of really hate that if im the person sitting there and eating my food. The last thing i want is to have multiple pairs of eyes staring at me or my table and chanting in their heart "faster eat and leave faster eat and leave". Its totally annoying but when it comes to me being hungry and craving for fried chicken, i ended up being the one who's chanting "faster eat leh".





The 3 of us, ate like there were 4 and we left T3 with a very bloated stomach to pick Yong Xin up and head down west for mj at Zm's. I havent seen Lina for awhile and its really very enjoyable whenever we meet up cos well, being Lina, there's no way you cannot stop laughing or having lame chats. You cant really even keep quiet for 5 minutes because there is just no peace.

And no, its not a bad thing. Lina is amazing. HAHA. Even people like me, who hardly talk much cannot escape from not opening my golden mouth because i just had to. We would yack and yack all the way and all the way till 5am while playing mj, we never had 5 mins of silence.
Took a drive for supper before i drove Zm's car back to the East and by the time i got home it was almost 7am. Just in time to hear the birds give my parents their wake up call.

Was planning to pick Zm up because i need to return him his car on Sunday evening and then go for movies but just as i drove out of my condo, the tyre punctured and i instantly went into the panic attack mode. Luckily KC and his dad came to aid. Zm was on his way down to my place when the car was ready so we met in town straight. Its quite retarded to drive 2 cars to town just to watch a movie together, please, dont do that again. It was such a bore driving alone.

17 Again was a fabulous movie. I love it. I think its so meaningful, not to forget hilarious. And i cannot wait for Wolverine and Angels & Demons.

I havent typed so much of what ive been doing for a long time, no idea why i am doing it now, but yeah, goodnight.


Oh yes, i was wikipedia-ing when i realised Gossip Girl has the book series. 12 books to be exact and i never knew that! The storyline is kinda different and i think i like the TV series better. Can you imagine Chuck Bass being a bisexual?!?! Eeeeelllll........

sealed-with-a-kiss < 2:31:00 am

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Friday, April 24

> what makes you calm?

I enjoy quiet moments, but i dont like the idea of being alone. Its like, sometimes i enjoy just stoning by the sea and feeling the breeze with a friend next to me but yet not talk to each other. I dont know if any of you enjoy moments like that, but i do. I know it sounds weird so i dont do that often because it might just bore the other person totally but if you happen to be just like me, call me anytme, to enjoy that tranquility.

And sometimes i feel that i have a lot of penned up thoughts inside me and i need to let it all out but yet when im face to face with somebody who's willing to hear me whine, i just lost it. Its like, theres so many things i wanna say but yet i dont wanna say it anymore.

So whenever i meet Zm, sometimes, or most of the times he'll say "i know you got a lot of things bottling up, dont think you dont wanna talk means i dont know you're not troubled. Anything must say out cannot keep it to yourself ok?"

Hate it when i try to pretend everythings perfect but he have to spoil it all by reminding me its all imperfect. Then again, i always snap right at him when he's trying to pretend too and most of the time i just 'poke' it too much its totally not pleasing to the ears. But I totally love being so straightforward. So i think we're quits.

I like honesty, am totally against hyprocrisy. Its very obvious if i like you or not cos it just shows. I like to hear the truth too, not things that sounds nice. They say a white lie is not a total lie but i think that's bullshit because it is still a lie. But then, everytime i hear the truth, bad truth, i hope i never knew about it and sometimes to the extent whereby i rather hear a misleading lie. Its like, a nice lie gives me hope and the truth just kills it all.

So now you see, how contradicting i am. I find it really difficult to understand myself and i dont like it. They always tell me to stop thinking too indepth, but i cant resist but to keep thinking and its so tiring. Its bad enough that i think so much, its worst when my thoughts are always contradicting. Its like i never really know what i want, who i want to be, what i want to do, where i wanna be.

Im scared of myself sometimes because i dont know who i really am or what my personality is really like. Im like living in this world of too many facades, my very own facade. And im tired..so tired of finding out where i actually belong.

Im really tired .. so tired .... too tired ......

sealed-with-a-kiss < 2:54:00 am

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Tuesday, April 21

>

I am so tired

I've been having really bad migraines these days and its so bad that i always feel like throwing up. Then again, i always feel like throwing up.

I lost my will power again. Ive been very stoned recently, nothing to look forward to, nothing to rejoice about. I cant really feel because i am so numb. I dont know whats going on because technically, nothing is going on, but i just cant feel myself. I cant feel my soul.

Everything's been very stagnant, very routine, very quiet. Probably Meiting is right, she needs to bring me out and have some fun.

I havent gone crazy, as in crazily wild and happy and high for a long long time. Then again i am quite reluctant to go to that extent of craziness cos its..tiring. I sound like im ageing. Gosh, all i wanna do is snuggle under the comforter on the bed and watch some dvds with someone special right next to me giving me the warmth i need - internal and externally.

Have i already mentioned that i am really tired?

Goodnight world

sealed-with-a-kiss < 2:28:00 am

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Saturday, April 11

> They say the future and outcome is obvious, i say you are oblivious.

I have been engaged in several conversations these days revolving about identical topic and its tiring me out to have the thought of it lingering in my very messed up mind.

Question - if you like a person, but somehow you know nothing's gonna work out, there gonna be no future, or its difficult to have one, what do you do?

Do you just, give up? Or do you put in your all before giving up? Either way, its not easy, but whats the best resolution to give you a piece of mind after your ultimate decision and never, never ever look back and regret?

Im up for putting in every ounce of effort, even if its wrong, and try to make it work. If ultimately you fail, at least you know you've tried and there is no regrets.

I made a mistake 8 months ago, a mistake i knew right from the start but i didnt stop making the mistake because i knew i had to try. I was proven right, because there really wasnt any future, it made my life a turmoil but im growing and learning to get out of it. If you ask me now, whether i would make the same decision, i say yes - even without having a second thoughts. Yes, i'll still make the same decision i made and i've never regretted, never regretted going through all that happened. I lost ultimately, but i lost knowing that its a confirm lost, not a 'maybe'.

I used to tell my girlfriends who asked me why i am not in a relationship that i dont wanna be one until im sure he's gonna be my last boyfriend cos i dont wanna waste time in anymore relationships that will somehow end. Then they challenged me by saying "how would you know if he's gonna be the one if you never try?"

So i started trying. shit happens, but i dont wanna go in depth with that.

Some people, they dont even wanna try because they think the outcome is obvious - that nothing is gonna come out of it. These people, used to be like me. But not anymore.

Its like .. teenage pregnancy.

You are young, you have no income, no career, no nothing but a baby. You are scared, you know its not time, you know you are not ready and bringing the baby out to the world is like indirectly killing it, because you think you're bringing the baby out to suffer so its better for abortion. You think since you're young, you can always have another baby when you're older, when you're ready. But its totally not the point, the point is abortion killed a life! Yes you'll probably have another baby, but that's another baby, not the same baby!

I am so totally against abortion. Totally.

Okay, back on the tangent, you think delivering the baby is making the baby suffer. That's only what you think, isnt it? I say, deliver the baby, at least you give it a chance, at least you know you will try to put in efforts to give the baby a cosy home. It may, or may not suffer, who knows? Life might just turn out to be be perfectly well when the baby's born.

Its like a 50-50% chance. The baby suffers, or the baby dont. Aborting it is a 100% chance that the baby suffers, cos you just killed your own kid.

Your life may be changed, but so what? Everything changes. You give up something for something, make sure its all worthed it.

You give up your youth to be a responsible person, responsible mother, giving somebody a chance to live - totally worth it.

You give up your time to try to be in a relationship with the right guy - worthy.

I always put in 100% effort in something i want though i know its gonna be tough. Because only that way i cannot blame myself for not trying, or have the constant question in my mind "if i tried the other time, maybe things would be different".

I am starting to hate the word 'maybe'. Maybe, just maybe we should all start to live without having maybe(s) by trying and have an affirmed confirmation and never regret.

Just my 2cents worth.

sealed-with-a-kiss < 6:32:00 pm

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Tuesday, April 7

> just a little something to think about

You know how persuasive people can be? And people like me, who cannot stand firm enough always tend to fall into their trap. One mistake i made in my previous relationship, was to be too believing. But only too believing in the wrong way.

People that met *us even for the first time always commented that we were one very compatiable couple and we should be together even when nobody knew we were an item. I still remembered this lady who saw us only the second time telling me "he is a very nice guy, and i can see he treats you really well, you two should be together. Trust me, ive seen so many people in my life, and im never wrong about them. You two make a great pair." I told her that it was impossible between *us but she insisted i be with him if such a chance came by. She ended off saying "it doesnt matter whether a man is rich or not, as long as you think he is the one, you should just be with him and stand by him."

And i got swayed by emotions, but that's not the point of today's post.

Actually, there wasnt any point in today's post.

But anyway, i always remembered what she said, the part where it doesnt matter if the guy is rich or poor. If two people have many things in common, if two people have feelings for each other, that has probably be the most important. I never really fancied any rich man, i dont think ive dated any rich people either. I dont aspire to be a tai-tai like most girls because i cannot stand that kind of boredom and risk my husband next time to be anywhere but home with his numerous mistresses.

I dont want a rich man, but i would want a man who can make it rich. So it doesnt matter if he is poor, because i know one day he is gonna make it big.

I wouldnt have been in my previous relationship, if not for so many people who kept telling me *we make a great pair, and if i didnt feel so comfortable as friends that i would want to tell him every single thing about me. My history, my past, my family, my friends, my present, my future, my life, my feelings, my thoughts, my secrets, my scares, my goals, my dreams, myself.

Is that how you realised you're in love with somebody? When i just got to know him, i amazingly told him my darkest secret. A secret i never want to be reminded about, something i never want anyone to find out about. But i told him. I didnt know why, but later i realised, it was because i want him to know everything about me. I want to share my life with him. I want him to be part of me, part of my life. And since then, i've never hid anything from him. When im upset, i'll tell him why im not happy. When im angry with him, i tell him straight in the face what he did to anger me. Ive never been like that in my past relationships.

In the past, whenever the guy disappoints me or make me upset, i'll confide in my friends and they'll cheer me up or try to explain why would a guy do what he did. But i never knew if what they said were true, because ive never brought it up to my ex for confirmation.

But in my last relationship, i never have to wonder because most of the time we'll come clean with each other. Maybe he still hides things from me, but i am always so honest. Always.

Okay, point is .. if you like someone, you would want that someone to know everything about you, no?

Like.. every single minor detail of what's happening in your life, he/she would be the first person you wanna share it with. no?

If you're feeling upset..cos of various stuffs, be it personal or general, you would want to share it with that person..no?

If you're angry or frustrated, you would want to let him/her know whats causing the wrath in you, no?

And you'll always be honest and truthful ... no?

Maybe that's when you will only realise how important he/she is to you. If there ever is a need to hide or to lie, then maybe its time to reconsider.

I no longer want to share my life with him, i no longer tell him how im feeling, i no longer tell him what's going on in my world by the seconds. Im glad i no longer feel that way.

Case closed.

sealed-with-a-kiss < 3:12:00 pm

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Sunday, April 5

>

Yesterday i went on a shopping spree on facial products and they threw in lotsa free gifts and samples!

I came back from Genting with the BBCs last week winning enough money to cover a trip to Bkk with my sister in May!

Ive been playing poker with the Loyangs and winning money too! (Thanks Joel for sponsoring my Issey Miyake!)

Ive made a very important decision today and my BFF and i are gonna go celebrate it!

I am going to watch CATS with Yongxin in May!

My BFF is bringing me to sit on Singapore Flyer and visit the Zoo in May too!

My birthday is coming in May!

May is coming! I am soooooooooo looking forward!!

sealed-with-a-kiss < 5:42:00 pm

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Wednesday, April 1

> i should have just gone to bed

Ive never once cried ever since i got back from Perth but now i am. Ive been acting strong for so long but i didnt expect myself to fall again. Fcking emo days are returning, i need to make a trip down to my doctor soon.

I guess, a part of me still aint accepting the true truth. And that part of me is like some bad cancerous cells trying to spread and kill all the good healthy cells. Im so not gonna let that happen because i know im stronger than that.

When you said you're happy, i hope you really mean you're happy. And of cos, why should i even have any suspicion? Silly me, of course you would be happy. It is supposed to be a joyous thing. Why do i even try to wish i still have a tiny space at the corner of your heart, your mind and your life?

Oh silly me ..

ps: must have been one of those days. tomorrow will be different, i promise!

sealed-with-a-kiss < 4:40:00 am

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